


can’t breathe whenever you’re gone

by natashashill



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Comfort/Angst, F/F, Fluff and Angst, I'm Bad At Tagging, Lesbian Maria Hill, Maria Hill Feels, Maria Hill Needs a Hug, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Maria Hill, Sad, Sleep Deprivation, Song: Haunted (Taylor Swift), blackhill - Freeform, give maria hill a break
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:09:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29628198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natashashill/pseuds/natashashill
Summary: maria hill returns after 5 years only to find out her girlfriend is gone. after natasha’s death, maria can only relive their memories through her dreams...
Relationships: Maria Hill/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 17
Kudos: 31





	1. words she despised

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria Hill returns after disappearing for 5 years due to Thanos’ snap. She receives devastating news about her girlfriend, Natasha Romanoff. She struggles to grieve about her death due to so many thoughts running through her head.

“Has anyone seen Nat?” Maria roams around the evacuation center where everyone who was involved in the final battle with Thanos is recovering. 

It’s been two days since the battle and everyone returning from the snap. Maria and Nick haven’t had the chance to look for the Avengers due to their confusion. 

Maria spots a familiar auburn colored hair woman next to a muscular blonde man; both look exhausted.

“Pepper! Pepper, oh my god.. how is everything– what’s been going on?” Maria approaches Pepper and Steve in the corner helping other civilians.

“M-Maria..” Pepper leans into her for a hug. She analyzes her and noticed her eyes all red and swollen while her hands are trembling. “What’s wrong? Is everything okay? Where’s Nat? Tony? The other Avengers?” Maria confusingly looks at Pepper who is still trembling while Steve looks like he wants to say something but couldn’t.

“Maria– um..” Steve takes a deep breath as he puts his hand on Pepper’s back to calm her down. 

“Agent Hill-“ Nick approaches Maria from behind with Clint and spots Pepper looking sad and exhausted. 

“What’s going on?” Confusion spreads over Nick’s face.

“Clint, you’re here.. Have you seen Natasha?” Maria gives him a worried look. Sadness immediately becomes visible all over Clint’s face as he makes eye contact with Steve and Pepper.

“Something happened..” Maria mutters under her breath. “What are you all not telling me?? Where is Natasha?!” Maria asks the three once again with a hint of anger in her voice. Hoping what horrible thing she thought happened to Nat is not true.

“What happened to her??!!” She turns around and looks at Clint straight in his eyes. “Hill.. N-Natasha..” Clint stutters as he tries to say the words knowing it would hurt Maria. “Romanoff sacrificed herself for the soul stone. To save everyone, to save you...” Steve spoke up as he lowered his head down. “She’s gone, Hill.” Clint quietly says the words Maria despised and wished she would never hear.

No.

_ No.  _

_ No, this is not true. This is not real. This cannot be happening. _

Maria starts to feel like she is drifting away once again. The voices around her starts to sound muffled.

“I’m so sorry, Maria.”

“Everything is going to be okay.”

She couldn’t believe what she heard. Flashbacks of Maria and Natasha being together popped up in her head. But then she thought about how Nat was feeling the whole time she was gone. It hurted Maria thinking about Natasha spending 5 years without her feeling lonely once again. Everything is starting to hit her all at once, she didn’t know how to process everything.

“Hill! Hill, are you alright? Talk to me!” Nick worriedly raised his voice.

“I- I have to..” Tears start to form in her eyes. “I have to go..” Maria starts to walk backwards about to leave. 

“Maria please-“

“N-No.. please leave me alone... I have- I’m gonna go..” Maria’s tears start to fall down on her cheeks as she starts to leave the evacuation center. 

She finds a bench outside and decided to take a breath. So many thoughts are running through her head and she couldn’t take it. She lowers her head down hoping no one could see her cry. Maria never liked showing her emotions to anyone;

_ Anyone but Romanoff. _

“Hill!” Maria hears Nick approaching her as she quickly wipes away her tears.

“Are you okay? Talk to me.” He sits down next to her. 

“No!!”

“No, I’m not okay Nick.” Maria avoids eye contact with Fury.

“I just found out three minutes ago that Romanoff is gone; she’s dead! How does that make me okay?!” She raises her voice in anger. She realizes this and it seemed that Nick didn’t expect it either from the look on his face. She immediately looks away from his gaze.

_ Shit. _

_ I did not just say that to Nick.. _

_ Fuck! You’re doing it again Hill.. You’re once again pushing people away just for telling them what you’re really feeling right now.  _

“I don’t want to talk about this– any of this! I can’t do it so can we not?” Maria spoke up with a bit of annoyance.

“To be honest with you Maria.. I don’t even know what to say to you,” Nick responds. “It’s not like I can tell you I feel the same way as you because we both know that’s some bullshit. I’ve watched you and Romanoff’s relationship grow Hill and the pain I’m feeling right now after finding out what happened to Romanoff is just unmatched with yours.”

Maria slowly looks at Nick once again after hearing everything he just said.

“I- I don’t know, how to process.. any of this.” She lets out a humorless laugh. “It’s just that two days ago I woke up feeling like I just passed out you know? I was so confused and stressed trying to figure out what the hell just happened and know I feel so.. upset.” 

“Pepper also informed me that Tony.. sacrificed himself too.” Nick quietly replies.

_ Great. _

_ As if I needed more depressing news about what happened to the people close to me. _

“They’re hosting his funeral in less than a week.” Nick added. “You’re gonna be fine. I believe in you.” He gives her a soft pat in the back before returning to the evacuation center.

Maria gazes out the field of flowers that is not that far away from the bench she is currently sitting on; thinking about how she discovers both Nat and Tony are gone just like that.

_** The Funeral ** _

Maria debates on whether or not she should enter the cabin. It hits her that everything around her is true and she really is about to attend Tony’s funeral. She takes a few steps as it sends shivers down her spine. Luckily, Pepper was already there by the door to welcome her. 

“I’m so sorry for your loss, Pepper. It must be really hard for you and Morgan.” said Maria as Pepper pulls her into a comforting hug. “We’ll be okay. I’m sorry for your loss too.” Pepper softly whispers.

Maria continues to walk forward with Pepper as she spots the other Avengers outside ready for Tony’s funeral. 

She takes a deep breath before turning to speak to Pepper once again. 

“I need a drink.”

Pepper looks at her for a while before leading her to the mini bar. “Help yourself out. I’ll just be outside,” Pepper’s hand soothingly brushes Maria’s back before she leaves. Maria helps herself with a glass of wine.

Natasha pops up in Maria’s mind once again and she realized that she never got to ask if Natasha got a funeral. She wanted to go outside and ask Steve but she didn’t want to start anything since it’s a funeral and she’s already drinking.

“Helping yourself with a drink this early, Hill? Not surprised.” Carol comes up behind Maria as she grabs a glass for herself. “It’s my coping mechanism.” She lets out a slight chuckle. “I don’t usually drink anymore but I’ve been through a lot in these past 5 years. In a weird way I feel like I deserve it.” Carol added. “Well, I’ve been gone for 5 years and just as I come back I find out I lost someone very close to me.” Maria replies as she drinks another glass. “Yeah, me too...” Carol quietly responds as she lowers her head staring at the glass of wine on her hand.

—————

Tony’s funeral starts and everyone was gathered outside. Maria stands near the stairs of the cabin gazing at the little bouqet with Tony’s arc reactor drifting by the river. The pain she felt when she found out about Natasha’s death came back again and her heart ached. 

_ She never got to say goodbye. _

Once the funeral ended and everyone just started talking naturally, Maria took her phone out. She hasn’t even touched her phone ever since she got back. Maria felt so empty that she couldn’t do anything. She hasn’t even properly grieved over Nat. Her phone turns on and dozens of missed calls and voice messages show up on the screen.

_All from Nat._

“No.” Maria quietly mutters under her breath.

_ I can’t. _

“Hill? Are you okay?” Nick checks up on Maria. “No. I’m not.” Maria responds sharply. “Cap! A word?” She walks toward Steve who was talking with Bruce, Clint, Pepper and Thor. 

“Did Natasha get a funeral?” Maria asks with a hint of annoyance. “What?” Steve shot Maria a puzzled look. “All of you heard me. Did Natasha get a  proper  funeral?” Maria looks at all of them. “We didn’t have time.. because of the time travel.. and the battle...” Clint mutters. “So you didn’t give Natasha a funeral?” Maria responds more rudely than expected. 

“We just didn’t think–“ 

“What? All of you just thought what? All of you thought that Natasha’s sacrifice wasn’t as important as Tony’s? All of you thought that Natasha didn’t deserve a funeral, that she isn’t as important to all of you–“ 

“Maria–“

“No! I don’t want to hear it anymore.” 

“Hill, you had too much to drink.” Nick tries to calm Maria down.

“You know what? I’m just gonna host a small funeral with the people who  actually care  for her.” 

“Maria you’re drunk you’re not in the right state at the moment–“

“How can I be in the right state if I haven’t even had the proper time to grieve?! I just found out today that Natasha sent me so many voicemails! And I don’t want to hear it because– Did all of you forget that she cared for all of us? She’s the only one who  truly  cared for you all even if the Avengers aren’t in the same room!” Maria raises her voice that catches a few other people’s attention.

Everyone went silent for a moment. 

Maria was aware she had a few too many glasses of wine and takes it as a sign for her to go. She takes a deep breath before speaking once again.

“I’m going to head out, but I am serious. I will be hosting a funeral for Nat and if any of you truly cared, you would be smart enough to join.” Maria told them before leaving the funeral.

_ What the fuck was that? _

_ Did I really just say that? Hill, what were you thinking?! _

As Maria heads out of the cabin she takes one more glance at her phone before putting it back on her pocket. 

_I can’t listen to these. Not right now._

Maria heads back to her house with dozens of thoughts still running through her head.


	2. in memoriam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria hosts a funeral for Natasha and invites a few of her close friends and colleagues. At the same day, she finds out Natasha’s voice messages were not the only things she left behind for Maria. The only question is will she continue to resist the last memories that Natasha gives to her?

Maria double checks the list of people who she sent funeral invitations to. She wanted a small and simple gathering with the people Natasha loves. Even after the small argument at Tony’s funeral, Maria decided to send an invitation to the Avengers; it’s her way of apologizing. The funeral was set five days after Tony’s funeral. The planning and set up for the funeral caused Maria to be sleep deprived. She couldn’t think about anyone else it’s almost as if Natasha’s death was  _ haunting  _ her. She doesn’t know how to make it stop. 

She takes a cold shower before wearing her attire for the funeral. She walks toward her vanity and holds on a black jewelry box. Inside was a beautiful rose golden locket, Natasha gifted Maria on their first Valentines date. She remembers the day all too well. Everyone was outside, taking their partners on romantic dates but Nat and Maria wanted to stay inside. They cooked food and watched movies all day while cuddling. 

Maria gently attached the jewelry on her neck and admired it for a while. She picked up the rest of her things for the funeral and headed out. 

_ This is all for you, Nat. _

—————

Hill was one of the first people to arrive. She enters the venue and spots a few people already present. Sharon, May, Bobbi, Coulson and Fury. Sharon was the first to give Maria a comforting hug, almost everyone knew how special Natasha was to Maria and it wasn’t a surprise she’d be the one to host her funeral.

Maria hasn’t talked to Fury ever since Tony’s funeral. She just gives him a slight nod before walking towards the food bar. 

Maria kept it simple. There were just enough food for the event but not too much to make it a big event. 

“You’re brave for doing this, Hill.” Nick helps out Maria with the food. “Someone had to do it.” She sighed in response. 

“About what happened at Tony’s fu–“

“We don’t need to talk about that. It was just a small heated argument, no need to make a big deal out of it.” Maria lets out a tired chuckle.

“She was the best of us.” Nick spoke once again as him and Maria takes a seat. “She was.” She sighed again.

A few more people started entering the funeral one by one. She spots Thor holding a piece of paper walking towards her. “This is.. good, Maria. You did a good job setting all this up.” He gives her a small smile. Maria nodded to him in response. 

“What’s that?” She pointed at the paper he’s holding. “Oh- this is from _Natasha..._ ” Thor quietly replies. 

Maria froze.

“She gave this to me, three years ago.. She told me this was written for you. I asked her why she’s giving it to me and she said that she wrote a lot of letters for you but she doesn’t know which one you’ll get to read. She told me to give you this when she doesn’t get to do so herself.” Thor hands out the letter in his hand.

“W-What happened to the other le-letters?” Maria shakingly reached for the letter. “She told me she left a few at your house.. But the others were destroyed with the Avengers facility... I’m sorry” Thor looks down in guilt.

“It’s fine, Thor. Thank you,” Maria gave him a soft smile. 

“I just wished we got her back... I sometimes imagine she is still here.” Thor gives Maria a hug. “Me too.” Maria whispers.

The funeral started as soon as the rest of the people whom Maria invited arrived. There was only a picture of Natasha infront. Maria knew that Natasha would’ve been too private for a funeral but she felt like she still deserved one just to pay respect for her sacrifice. The event didn’t last long. It was only a short funeral of people talking about their memories with Natasha.

It was Maria’s turn to give a speech for she chose to be the last one.

She takes a deep breath before standing up to the podium to say her speech. There weren’t a lot of people who were at the funeral. Just Natasha’s close friends and colleagues.

Maria originally didn’t prepare a speech for Nat because she wanted to say what she can just think of in the briefest way possible.

“Romanoff was the best of us. She was always there whenever one of her friends or colleagues needed anything... I like to think that she was our light. The reason we’re all here is because I wanted to give respect to her sacrifice. Natasha was selfless, caring, independent, sweet, loving and just the best person you could ever imagine. I’m sure she wouldn’t even want a funeral to begin with but she deserves this. I wanted to keep this speech short so lastly, I want everyone to raise their glass; to Natasha Romanoff,”

“To Natasha Romanoff,” Everyone else repeated after Maria.

“May you rest in peace.” A soft but also sad smile reveals on her face.

After the funeral, everyone gave their goodbyes and prayers to Maria. A few people stayed for a while just to talk with Maria and everybody else. “I remembered our small talks together, whether its on the phone or we meet up. Good times.” Sharon smiled. “We didn’t get to talk much but she encouraged me to be better everyday.” Wanda let out a chuckle. 

A few more hours passed and only Nick and Maria were left together. It wasn’t long till they headed out too. “Hill,” Nick paused for a while before they continued to walk towards the parking lot. “Nick?” Maria turned around.

“I’ve been thinking... I’m going to give you a one week– actually screw that.. Take as long as you need,” Nick explained. “What do you mean?” Maria’s eyebrows furrowed. “You need some time alone. You deserve time to grieve, Hill. I’m giving you that opportunity. Take a break from Shield, and come back when you’re ready.” Fury added. 

“Nick I don’t need–“

“Yes, you do need a break. Take it, Hill. I know you love working but I want you to get better.”

Maria stares at Fury for a while before accepting the offer. “Fine.” She started to walk towards her car but Nick spoke once again. “You’re gonna be alright, Hill. Romanoff was a lot, we lost her too soon.” He encouraged her. “It is what it is.” She sighed. 

“Are you gonna listen to the messages?” 

“I.. I don’t know yet. I haven’t even opened her letter yet– I just found out today that she left me letters.. It’s too much Nick.” 

“You’ll get there. It’s only a matter of time.” Nick replied

“No, this is different... I don’t think I can do it, Nick. From what I know almost a month ago I thought I passed out and just woke up thinking it’s the same year but no, 5 years has passed!”

_ “And she’s gone now...” _

Maria sighed and muttered an apology to Nick. “Don’t apologize. You’re just grieving Maria. Give it some time, I believe in you.” says Nick before they go their separate ways.

Maria arrives at her house and finds seven letters that Natasha left for her. She keeps the letters in her room while she holds onto the letter that Thor gave her at the funeral. She glanced at her phone and looked for the voicemails.

Maria left the letter and her phone on her bed as she prepares for another shower.

_ It’s only a matter of time. _


	3. friendly advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After 3 weeks, Maria decided to finally pick herself back up again. Sharon asks her out for lunch and gives her some advice with the last bits of memories Natasha left for her.

Maria’s eyes flickers open while her body aches in pain. Her head turns to look at the time and realizes she woke up late once again. 

_“Fuck!”_ Maria yelled out before burying her face into the covers. 

It didn’t take her long to get up and go to the bathroom to prepare herself before breakfast. She was about to pick up her pace to get ready for work until she realizes that Nick gave her the time off. She finds herself purposeless as she walks towards the mirror by her sink. It’s been three days since Natasha’s funeral and a month since she found out about the  _news._

She was a mess.

Her hair is all over the place, worn out skin, dark under eyes, swollen eyes and just fatigued in general. Maria knew how her condition is getting worse and worse. Somehow she just struggled to pick herself back up for that whole month. She was confused, hurt, upset, unmotivated and drained all together. She was either sleep deprived or overslept. Maria analyzes her face in the mirror and compared herself to what she was before all this happened.

“Come on, Maria. You can’t keep doing this to yourself.” She ran her hands all over her face and hair.

“You have to pick yourself back up and you have to do it now.” She takes a deep breath before taking out her ponytail to get ready.

She walked out her room and straight to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Natasha always reminded her to drink a glass of warm water once Maria wakes up so she could be refreshed. She drank the whole glass and went back to her room to fix her bed. In the middle of doing so, she picks up her phone. 

Maria still hasn’t listened to the voice messages.

She knew it would just fuck her up.

The voicemails were left untouched because Maria wanted to listen to them once she was ready and she has picked herself back up again. She knew that once she listened to Natasha’s voice now it would just make her  _fragile_ state worse. 

These past days, Maria felt nothing but loneliness and sorrow inside her house; her own _home._ It wasn’t doing her any favors so she decided to clean up her room before taking a proper bath. 

Natasha always used to bring a few plants for decorations in Maria’s home. Not only did the plants add a nice touch her house, it also kept Maria safe. 

It’s like she could still feel her presence through them.

After cleaning her room, she got two towels and took off her clothes before entering her shower. 

Cold and refreshing water ran through Maria’s hair. Maria washed her hair with Aloe Vera shampoo thoroughly and bathed her body with lavender scented soap. She then cleansed herself with water pouring out of her shower.

Maria felt so refreshed and ready to get her life back together. She grabs a towel to wrap around her hair and puts on a bathrobe before walking towards the sink to do her usual skincare routine.

Maria approaches her room once again to get dressed and ready for breakfast until her phone rang. 

It was Sharon.

“Sharon?” Maria spoke first once she answered the call.

“Hey, Maria. Sorry for calling at such a random time, I just wanted to ask you something.” She replied.

Maria’s eyebrows furrowed before responding to Sharon. “What is it?” 

“You want to maybe get lunch together later? I don’t know, I just felt like you might needed some company.” Sharon offered.

Maria didn’t respond for a while. Maybe she needed this. It’s not so bad. 

_You can benefit from this, Maria._

Stopping herself before overthinking, she agreed to Sharon’s offer before hanging up.

Maria stood up and went to her kitchen to make herself breakfast. Her eyes caught a familiar stack of envelopes at her desk before she bites into the sandwich she made. She walked towards the desk leaving the TV open whilst holding her sandwich. She took the time to read each one of the notes written on every envelope. Her eyes started to get watery so she let go of the letters and went back to eating her sandwich.

_That’s her writing alright._

_Get it together, Hill._

Maria proceeds to eat her breakfast while watching tv and making a list of things she has to do. 

—————

Maria entered the restaurant where Sharon said they’ll meet up. She spots the blonde sitting calmly on a table with an empty seat acrosse her. Maria approaches her and flashes a soft smile while Sharon returns this with a hug.

“I’m glad you made it.”

“Yeah, its not like I have anything better to do back at home now that Fury’s got me on a month off.” She chuckled.

“It’s great to see you smiling again, Maria. I mean genuinely smiling.” Sharon replies.

They proceeded to talk about what has been going on recently in their lives.

“So... how are you holding up?” Sharon asked Maria taking a bite of her meal.

“Could be better.” Maria replies before taking a sip of her drink.

“You’ll get there. What happened with the voicemails?” 

“I couldn’t listen to them.. atleast not yet.” 

“Listen, Maria.. I don’t want to push you or anything but I think you should listen to it sooner or later. It might give you the closure you never thought you needed.” She advised to Maria.

She was right.

It was just voicemails after all. Maria couldn’t understand why she struggled in picking up her phone and listen to the voicemails. A small part of her was always aware since the beginning. She was _in denial._ Ever since Maria came back, everything that happened in the past felt like a dream to her. Even if something did actually happen and Maria saw it infront of her eyes it would still feel weird and unreal in the back of her mind. Everything was just not the same anymore– nothing is. She started feeling less at home and more like in a house; just a house. That warm and comforting feeling in the air turned into a lonely and depressing presence. All the wrong things that had happened is starting to swallow Maria. She felt like she was drowning and no one is there to pull her out. Especially now that Natasha is gone. What hurted Maria the most was she just started to plan things for her future but now everything fell apart. 

“Maria?” Sharon spoke again. 

“Yeah, um.. I-I’ll get there. I’ll be listening and reading the things Natasha sent me soon.”

“Have you tried therapy?” 

Maria never liked the thought of therapy, mostly because she knew she never needed it. Now it scares her so bad because once she walks into that appointment, the therapist will confront her on things she isn’t ready to talk about.

“I’m thinking about it?” 

Maria stood up while Sharon left a tip after paying for their lunch. They headed out to get dessert. A small cafe was just around the corner who also sold ice cream treats. Maria offered to pay for the desserts and Sharon did not bother to disagree. They walked across the park, talking about their lives again. Maria even teased Sharon if she wanted to get out there and date someone. 

“I miss her a lot.”

Maria turned to see Sharon just standing by the cafe as they walked around it again. 

“I miss her too.” Maria sighed.

Sharon looks at Maria for a while before deciding to speak again.

“You’re gonna be okay. I know you will.” She gave her a soft smile

“Thanks, Sharon–“

Something familiar catches Maria’s attention. She spots familiar long red locks not that far away. She recognized that shade of red all too well. She blinked a few times to check if she is seeing what she think she is seeing. 

_ That can’t be. _

The familiar figure slowly started to turn. Maria squinted her eyes, the figure looked like Romanoff.. but how? 

“Maria? Are you okay?” Sharon taps on Maria’s shoulder. She jumps a little and turns to see Sharon looking concerned. She turned around again to look at the redhead figure but she was no where to be found. “I-I’m fine.. I thought I just saw something that– forget it.” She gave her a reassuring smile.

“I should go.” 

Sharon asked a few more times to make sure Maria really was okay before she decided to say goodbye as well.

—————

Maria enters her house and immediately went to her desk to grab the letters. She walked towards her room and her drawer by her nightstand where she kept the letter Thor gave her. She layed down all the letters on the nightstand while she smoothed the bed before sitting on it and pulling out her phone. She takes a deep breath before turning on her phone. Multiple voicemails appear on her phone in different dates, Maria looks for the oldest and first voicemail she got from Natasha.

“These are the only things she left you, Maria. Make the most of it.”

Her hand shakes a little before she finally press play.

_“Hey Maria... It’s me, Nat. I just wanted to know if you’re okay. I’m at the Avengers compound, everyone is disappearing into dust and I guess I’m just worried about your current state right now um- *sniffles* Fury has not contacted any of us, and you’re with him most of the time so- I don’t know I guess just... Call me back?”_

“No. Don’t do this.” Maria wiped her tears before it even falls.

She stared at the next voicemail and it was a sent two days after the first one. 

_ “Maria... Um I don’t know why I-I’m *sobs* I don’t- *clears throat* I don’t even know why I am calling you right now, because you’re gone- for now? I don’t even know. I guess I’m just leaving you these voicemails just incase, we get you back.. But everything is falling apart I don’t know when we’ll do that. But listen... If you ever get these, I just wanted to tell you how much I miss you. Everyday. I wish I could see you right now, all this is so confusing and I guess it’s making me upset or I don’t know. I don’t know, my love. It would be so great if you were here right now, *sniffles* you’re always there to clear my head, help me get back together. Planning on writing a few letters or notes on how I’m feeling right now, you know? Kind of the only way I could cope and let it all out. It’s gonna be a long time for me without you but... *sobs* I’ll be fine...”  _

A long pause occurs until she speaks again.

_“I’ll see you soon.”_

Maria carefully put her phone on her nightstand, the next thing she knows she is laying down on her bed, tears are continually falling down her cheeks until she falls asleep.


	4. unsettling peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, a dream Maria knew all too well revisits her mind and left her with so many questions unanswered. She later finds out that’s not the only uncanny thing she discovered...

“This looks fine right, Wanda?” 

Natasha’s voice can be heard around the compound. Maria chuckles as she slowly approaches Natasha’s room. It’s their first date and Wanda made Maria aware on how Nat couldn’t stop talking about it.

“You look amazing, Nat! Now get out there, Maria has been waiting for you.”

Natasha walks out of the room wearing a beautiful red dress with a simple golden belt. Maria looks at her in awe.

“Hey gorgeous,” Maria gives her a small peck on the cheek. 

“Ready for our first date?” Nat wraps her arms around Maria’s shoulders while giggling. After endless flirting and talking, Maria finally asked Nat on their very first date. She had it all planned out and ready.

First, they go to waffle restaurant to eat then they go watch a movie. Next, they go tie-dying because Natasha always wanted to do that, afterwards they eat sundaes while they look for a gorgeous view that they will gaze at by the end of the date.

“You’re not even out of the compound yet you’re already flirting? Save it for later why don’t you.” Wanda approaches them with a sarcastic tone.

“Are you sure you’ll be fine on your own?” 

“I have company. Vis?” Wanda called out.

A red figure with a somewhat robotic voice walks in through the walls. Ever since Pietro, Wanda always found comfort with Nat and Vision. They were always there for her and she was grateful.

“Let’s get going then?” 

Natasha took Maria’s hand before walking out of the compound. She waved while Maria nodded at the other two. 

They entered their first stop which is the waffle restaurant. It smelled heavenly. They chose something to order in the menu as soon as they found a table. Maria ordered her favorite belgian waffle while Natasha tried the bubble waffle.

The date went great, both of them enjoyed each other’s company. After eating at the waffle restaurant and spending time to talk with each other they went to the theaters to watch a comedy horror film. If there was one thing they both really enjoyed it is definitely comedy horror films... and sad songs. Romanoff and Hill didn’t get along at first but sooner or later they bonded by sharing their love of comedy horror films during movie night with the Avengers. 

They didn’t watch comedy horror films all the time, because Natasha liked to annoy Maria by forcing her to watch chick flicks. She never admitted it to Nat but she did enjoy them.

The date kept getting better and better. Both of them went tie-dying and Maria being Maria she sort of messed up during the process but either way both tie-dyed shirts looked pretty. So much time has passed but finally, Maria took out Natasha to buy ice cream sundaes for the both of them while they just walk together trying to find a gorgeous view.

They found an empty bench to sit on and infront of it was a carnival not that far away. They both sat there for a while as they watch the sunset.

“This date was amazing!” Natasha smiled at Maria as they were walking towards their car to go back home. Maria softly stared at Natasha, she gazed at her soft red hair and pretty face. She leaned in slowly for a kiss, Natasha did not miss this and leaned in the same time. The kiss was sweet and soft. This was definitely one of the best days of their life.

“Before anything,” Natasha pulled out from the kiss and grabbed her phone. 

“Let’s take a picture!” 

“Nat-“

“Come on! Please?” Maria gave in and took a selfie with Nat.

—————

“How was the date?” Vision greeted the couple as they entered the compound. He was just walking out of the kitchen.

“It was great. What’s that for?” Maria pointed at the bowl of popcorn on Vision’s hands. “We’re watching sitcoms.” He shortly answered before nodding as a sign of leaving.

Out of nowhere, Natasha gave Maria a quick kiss on the lips. Her eyebrows furrowed until she saw Natasha infront of her flashing her a smile. 

_“Thank you for this, Maria.”_

Maria feels small paws stepping on her chest then arms. Her eyes takes some time before they fully open and sees her and Natasha’s cat, Liho. She looks around and finds herself back in her room.

_What a dream._

She rubbed her eyes before straightening herself up in the bed and pick up Liho. Hill felt weak and exhausted so she walked towards the bathroom to look at herself. Her eyes were swollen and puffy. Maria’s mind recalled what happened last night as she felt Natasha’s voice burned in the back of her mind. 

Maria exhaled sharply before putting Liho down the floor so she could wash her face. So many questions started becoming visible in her mind  about the dream.

After drying her face with a towel she headed to the living room and grabbed a picture frame placed on the coffee table.

It was their selfie from their first date.

Maria avoided thinking about the dream because it was making her head hurt already. She made herself and Liho breakfast while she turns on the TV to watch her current favorite show to take her mind off of things but it didn’t help. She kept on thinking and thinking about how the dream felt so real and asking why she relived it. Hearing Natasha’s voice gave Maria peace and pain at the same time; she couldn’t really describe it. She doesn’t even understand why it happened and it felt so... different. The dream was real, it happened yet it also felt so unreal and new as if Maria never witnessed it before. She was having a  _déjà vu._

Maria rested on the couch while she drank a glass of water to get rid of her small headache situation. All she wanted to do was not to think about what just happened. This led to her taking a long and fat nap with Liho.

—————

Maria woke up more calmly than she did this morning. She experienced the same thing again but this time the dream is more vague. All she remembered was seeing Natasha, with the Avengers all together in the compound talking and laughing. One thing she did recall is she stared at Natasha an awful lot of times.

Maria suddenly felt a difference in the atmosphere. Slowly, she starts to feel comfort and safety like she always did and she couldn’t answer why. She was feeling peace with a sense of uncertainty.

She went back to the kitchen to take a glass of water just so she could clear her head a little bit until her eyes caught something red.

It was an envelope. 

A letter was placed by the doorstep but something was different. Maria never noticed this before, for it wasn’t like the other letters she got from Natasha. She glanced by the windows to see if anyone left it just now, but nothing. She made her way by the door and reached for the envelope. Unlike the other letters that were color white or beige, this was a bright red envelope with no notes on it. The color really caught Maria’s attention and she wondered why she never noticed it right by her doorstep. Slowly, she headed to her room to open the letter out of curiosity. She pulled her drawer open to check on the first letters she got once again just to try and see something. 

_It really was in fact, not like the other letters._


	5. confrontations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A vague and uncanny dream wakes up Maria, the same day she’s going to her first therapy session. A colleague of hers calls her up before her appointment and gives her some tips that led to a small confrontation. Little did Maria know, that the confrontation will come back for in one of her sessions.

Shivers travel down her spine, this causes Maria to tremble once she wakes up. She blinks a couple times before leaning back on the pillows, feeling odd, alarmed yet familiar.

It’s another one of those dreams she’s been getting that has been going on for two weeks now. The dreams didn’t really freak out Maria like it used to, it slowly started to feel ordinary and she’s not complaining about it.

Sure she’s reliving her memories with Nat but she saw this as a positive thing, she gets to see and be with her somehow again. 

Today is different than the others though. Maria decided to book an appointment for therapy last week, today is her first session. She thought a lot about what Sharon said and maybe this could help her. The dreams may be habitual for Maria but a small part of her admitted she needed to change at one point, and that is today.

Maria took a shower, ate breakfast, fed Liho and was ready to go to her therapy appointment until her phone suddenly rang so she picked it up.

Before Maria could say anything a female voice on the other line immediately started speaking.

“On your way to therapy?” It didn’t take long for Maria to realize it was Melinda May calling. 

“Um... yeah I am, why?” Maria furrowed her eyebrows wondering how she knew. 

“Sharon told me. What time is your appointment?” 

“10 o’clock. Is something important going on?”

“I’m at a coffee shop right now, I just wanted to talk to you so meet me here?” 

“Yeah, sure um- text me the location?”

“Already done, see you.” Melinda responds before hanging up.

The entrance door of the coffee shop swings open as a brunette women wearing a leather jacket over a red shirt came in. 

Maria looked around the coffee shop before spotting Melinda May sitting by the window waving at her. She was wearing a simple dark blue blouse with matching pants and sunglasses, taking a sip of coffee.

“Good to see you again, May.” Maria spoke, before taking a seat.

“Same goes for you.” She returns a small smile.

Maria notices that Melinda already ordered coffee for her as well so she reaches for the mug to take a sip.

“So,” Melinda spoke again 

“Therapy, huh?” 

Maria took another sip and took the time to come up with a response.

“Yes, um.. My first appointment.” Maria responds putting her mug down. May nodded slowly in response.

“Have you ever tried therapy?” Maria couldn’t help but ask due to her curiosity.

She lets out a small laugh whilst shaking her head before responding to Maria.

“No. But um, Coulson suggested it to me but in result I convinced him to do it.” She picks up her mug, smiling while gazing outside the window.

“So why did you ask me to go here?” 

“To give you some tips.”

Maria was about to speak until Melinda spoke again.

“It’s been a long 2 months for you, Hill. It’s written all over your face.”

“I haven’t tried therapy but I think I have enough knowledge to give you some notes.” 

“Well then, let’s hear it.” Maria leaned back to her chair before paying attention to Melinda.

“First tip. You should start talking about therapy, in therapy. It’s better to start that way since it’s obviously your first time and you want to get comfortable with your therapist.”

Maria patiently and quietly absorbed Melinda’s words as she continues.

“Secondly, don’t be afraid to talk about anything in therapy. I mean what I’m saying, Hill. Anything. You can start talking about a big problem that is bothering you or small. Therapy is where you can let anything out so don’t hold back information that is bothering you.  _Emotionally_. ”

“Oh, I already know that, May. I’ll just talk about myself and slowly open up about more things going on as I get more comfortable-“

“Hill.” Melinda said sharply.

“Something is bothering you and clearly anyone who knows you and have talked to you can say you’re different from what you are before all this shit happened.”

Maria furrowed her eyebrows at Melinda’s sudden aggressiveness.

“Oh come on, May. It’s not that big of a deal. I just haven’t adapted to everything new that happened after the whole  _everyone disintegrating and coming back after five years._ Sooner or later after a few therapy sessions I’ll be f–“

_ “Are you kidding me?”  _

Melinda’s sudden interruption made Maria look at her firmly with confusion. She was shaking her head as if she couldn’t believe what she heard from Maria’s mouth. 

“You’re still in denial, Hill? I thought you told Sharon a week ago that you moved past that stage?” 

Maria paused looking at the disbelief look on Melinda’s face. Her sudden brought up of denial annoyed her for a second.

_Not this again._ Maria thought.

“I’m not in den–“

“Cut the bullshit, Hill. Yes. You are in denial. This is about Romanoff isn’t it? Maria, this is therapy for crying out loud. Are you really gonna hold back information and push people away because of this?” Melinda’s disbelief slowly turned into a face of worry.

“It’s not that big of a deal! I told you I’m going to tell issues I want to say when I’m comfortable and open to saying it.” She inhaled before speaking again.

“Was that all you called me for?” 

Melinda stared at her for a while.

“Last note. Do the things your therapist tells you, take their advice and listen to them after they listen to you.”

After that, Melinda gave her a nod as a sign of her being finished.

Maria stood up while Melinda does the same as they silently exit out of the coffee shop.

“Good luck, Hill.” 

Maria looked at her as she gave her a meaningful stare before they both walked away.

—————

“The next dream I had was after I listened to one of Natasha’s voicemails again and I relived the memory of Natasha taking care of me because I was hurt in a mission.” Maria chuckles before continuing.

“I was complaining so much and told her it was because I felt so helpless. But really I was just trying to stop her from taking care of me. Didn’t work.” Maria ends her story with a soft smile.

“Maria,” The brunette woman infront of her, closed the notebook on her desk and stared at Maria firmly.

“Yes?” Maria returned still with a small smile on her face but a hint of worry.

“When are you planning on changing and making progress.” The lady asked her with a calm look.

Maria looked at her dumbfounded. It took her therapist’s words a while to set in her mind. 

_ What does she mean? Am I not doing progress? _

“I-I don’t know– What exactly do you mean, Doctor Stinson?” 

“You know what I mean, Maria. And please, call me Robin.” She answered with her constant calm face.

“I’m sorry, I-I really am not following?”

“Maria, you’re a month into therapy. You started your session immediately jumping to the topic of you coming back, and Natasha. In your second session, you just started opening up about your dreams and the voicemails and letters she left for you. Here we are, still talking about it.”

Maria analyzed the tone and words that Robin just spoke and she couldn’t find a hint of anger of disappointment, just concern.

“And the  _red envelope_... ” Robin paused.

“You still haven’t read it. You haven’t told me about it, for all I know it’s just in your house laying by your bedside drawer. Let me ask you a question, Maria. Please answer me honestly.”

Maria nodded silently while sitting on the couch.

“Why haven’t you read the letter?” Robin asked with genuine curiosity.

It took Maria a while before she answered the question she dreaded to hear.

“I don’t... I don’t know. I was going to– I was! Ever since I saw it on my doorstep I wanted to read it, I have gotten to open it but there’s just something holding me back from it. Call me crazy, but something told me it wasn’t the right time to read it yet.”

“And why is that?”

Maria almost blurted out a lie on why she hasn’t read the letter but the thought of her already being on therapy for a month yet she’s still holding back information and covering up the truth just like Melinda told her, was eating up inside. 

She knew why she listened to the voicemails and a few of the letters except the red one. She knew what has been the reason for everything this whole time.

_ “Denial.” _

Maria spoke out the words. The room went silent for a couple minutes. She swore she had heard the words echo across the room, in every corner and it bounces back to her.

“That’s been the reason all this time hasn’t it?” Robin broke the silence

Maria kept her head low, ashamed and embarrassed of what she has become. This whole situation messed her up since the beginning.

“I just... I don’t understand why this keeps on coming back to me. It’s eating me up. Believe me, if I could stop I would but- I can’t.” Maria let out a small sob.

“I can’t answer why I’m still in denial or why is this still happening because I genuinely don’t know! I’m sick of it!” 

Maria looked back at Robin to see her reaction after a few seconds of silence.

“I-I’m sorry, that was too much.”

“No, no... Don’t be sorry, nothing is ever too much here. This is therapy, Maria. You come here, you open up about your thoughts and feelings, you listen to my feedback and you decide if you want to change or not. People grief in so many different ways, Maria. Some people are in denial for a short time while some people,  _like you_ _,_ deal with it for a long time. That’s okay, it’s normal. It’s not permanent.”

Maria fell silent. She let the words sink into her mind for a while. Hoping this could influence her.

“But I do have one concern though.”

_ “Your dreams.” _

_What about it?_ Maria thought.

“I was wondering why you’re acting like it’s normal and not find it unusual or uncanny. Especially now since it has happened so many times. Is there any particular reason for this?” 

The dreams. For some reason, Maria didn’t find the dreams uncanny at all. It never bothered her really. She honestly just thought it’s not that rare to happen to a person.

“ _Deja vu __,_ rarely happens to a person dreaming. Only two percent of one’s dream is reliving a memory yet that doesn’t seem to happen to you. Are you worried that these dreams may become worse for you? You’ve been saying for the past month that you’re happy because you’re reliving the sweet and joyful dreams of you and Nat but I don’t mean to burst your bubble. Did you ever think you might relive a bad memory of you and Romanoff?”

Maria never thought of that before nor has it bothered her. All those sleepless nights were normal for her but she could see why her therapist is concerned. But even if Maria happens to relive some bad memory of her and Natasha she doesn’t care. All she wants is to savor the moments she had with Natasha even if it meant being in her dreams and reliving a memory she already knew all too well.

But Maria was curious on why these dreams are happening in the first place, her original theory is that the voicemails had to do something with it. Her first dream with Natasha was after she listened to the voicemails. She was thinking that maybe Natasha’s voice triggered something in her mind that made her memories into dreams.

Natasha’s voice was comforting ever since. She had listened to some of the voicemails again to the point she memorized some of them. It brought distress to Maria hearing Natasha in pain of some of them but again, she was willing to risk anything- even her own mental well being to get every bit of memory she could get of Natasha. Maria was already bargaining and she didn’t know it. 

The thought of the voicemails once again played back in Maria’s mind as she hears Natasha’s voice.

_ “Hi, Maria. I know this is stupid, you’re gone there’s no way you can hear or respond to these but I’ve reached the point where I didn’t care. I’m gonna leave you so much voicemails and you’ll have to listen to them once you get back. *giggles* I miss you so much, everyday.” _

_ “Hey, it’s Nat. I honestly lost track how many voicemails I sent you so I apologize in advance but I don’t really regret it. You know, it’s been a long 6 months, Maria... with an empty and cold space in the bed next to me. The smell of your cooking whenever you wake up before me and you wanted to do something nice and prove that you’re a good girlfriend– don’t worry babe, you are. *laughs* I miss your snarky remarks whenever I purposely do something to annoy you, your teasing, your kisses, your hugs, everything. I’ve practiced crocheting! I made a small basket for the kitchen that I’m very proud of... The Avengers compound hasn’t been the same for months.. Okoye is in Wakanda taking care of everything, Tony is with Pepper- he still hasn’t talked to us ever since he got back from space. Carol is visiting every now and then but it gets more rare every time. Steve and Rhodey are the only ones left here. Clint is unavailable, Thor is back to the new Asgard with Valkyrie. Bruce... he left a week ago and didn’t tell us why... That’s basically it. Bye-“ _

_ “Maria! I’m very enthusiastic today if you can’t tell. I have so much yarn now, and I’ve been crocheting and crocheting, I’ve kind of turned it into my coping mechanism. I have so much crochet gifts I made for you. I don’t exactly know when you’ll get it but I’m not giving up. See you soon.” _

Sharp waves of pain strikes Maria. 

_ The gifts. _

Thor explained in her funeral how all of the stuff Natasha had in the compound got destroyed. 

_ She was so excited. _

“Maria?” 

Maria immediately snaps out of it and looks at Robin who now has a worried look.

“No, um... I never really doubted my dreams.” Maria casually replies.

Robin analyzes her for a second before writing something on her notebook.

“Well then, do you have anything else to talk about?” Robin asks.

Maria debates on whether or not she should bring up how she’s slowly shifting into bargaining. She thought for a while on how she’s gonna bring it up.

“Actually, yes.” She nodded

“Okay, what is it then?” 

“I realized, just now that I’m actually making a little progress. I’m slowly starting to shift to bargaining.”

“How do you think that is?”

“Well uh, I just realized now that I was very eager to save every last thing Natasha had and left behind before she died and I have uh- I have been re-listening to some of her voicemails even if it might hurt sometimes because...”

Maria paused before continuing what she is saying.

“I’m willing to go through anything just to save every last memory she had. Even if that means damaging my mental well being.” 

Robin takes a while to process what she just said and it was obvious she didn’t expect that at all. She looks back at her notebook and from Maria’s view it seemed like she crossed something out and wrote something new.

“Will that be all?” 

Maria breathes shakily before replying.

“Well, I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing exactly but. I know you said it may take a long time for denial, which I agree and I have accepted but I- I just cannot shake this feeling in me where I feel like I am grieving, I am going through the five stages but in every stage I just know there will still be denial.” She lowers her head.

“We’ll just have to see in our next session if you’re wrong or right don’t we?” 

She nods in response as Robin writes some tasks for the week that she must do.

Maria felt a little refreshed after therapy. It helped her a lot this past month and just being able to say anything and everything without holding back and pushing people away was a good feeling to Maria.

She calls back to her first day of therapy and how much of a whirlwind the whole day was until she remembered her uncanny dream amongst all her other dreams that day. She looked infront of her as she is walking on her way home and she could’ve sworn she recognized the bookstore. 

The bookstore was a similar image to the only thing she remembered from her dream, she just couldn’t answer why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi !! i was supposed to post this chapter and chapter 6 this sunday but we went on a trip so i didn’t have internet the whole day; dw this led to me making the chapters longer, i hoped y’all enjoyed <3


	6. the bookstore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria revisits a dream that left her a little unsteady. In this chapter, she finds out the relation of the bookstore with her dreams and it was just the start of it.

A fresh and warm cup of milk pours into Maria’s glass. It was the middle of the night and this time she remembered what woke her up. 

She was having another memory dream of Natasha. Natasha just got home from a mission and it took all day. Maria allowed Nat to stay overnight at her place. This was before they became a couple. They were both yearning and pining over each other and they didn’t know the other one felt the same. Maria welcomed her into her home and made her comfortable. Surprisingly, Maria was more calm than she thought she would be. She doesn’t remember it being that way but maybe it’s because she already experienced it before. Maria took a shower first. She went back to her room and saw Natasha sitting on her bed, wearing a bathroom like Maria and smiling at her. 

“You look pretty.” Natasha admires.

“Talking to yourself again, Romanoff?” Maria returned the smile while putting her hands on her hips. 

“Admiring the view,” Natasha leans her head on her fist.

“Take a shower already,” Maria rolled her eyes.

“Fine. But I have something to say first, you oblivious flirt.” She winked.

“What are you talking about?” Maria furrowed her eyebrows.

“You really have no clue?” Natasha raised her eyebrows

“You’re really gonna make me say it– fine. The constant flirts we’ve been doing, Maria. Those aren’t meaningless. There’s a reason for those and you’d be an oblivious dumbass if you can’t guess it.” She stood up, slowly walking towards Maria. 

Maria slowly figured out and she couldn’t believe it. Natasha feels the same way she does? Maybe she’s right, she is an oblivious dumbass.

“I’m so glad I get to watch the penny drop.” Natasha amusingly looked at Maria who was softly smiling at her.

“Now that I’ve said it, I’m gonna go and take a shower now.” Natasha teasingly smiled at Maria.

_ Wait. Does she not know? _

As Natasha started walking towards the bathroom, Maria quickly held on and pulled her elbows which made Nat face Maria sideways.

“That’s really all, Romanoff?”

This time, Natasha eyebrows were the ones that furrowed. Seeing Natasha’s confused look made Maria smirk.

“I guess I’m not the only oblivious dumbass in this room, huh?” Maria’s amused smile spread throughout her face.

“What are you so amused for, Hill?” She started to frown from confusion.

“You know what I’m amused for.” 

Maria watches Natasha’s  _ “what the fuck are you talking about”  _ look turn into a  _ “oh, you little bitch”  _ face.

“Have a nice shower,” Maria lets go of Natasha’s elbow and proceeds walking to her closet.

Natasha was taking a shower while Maria took out some clothes of hers that she could wear and she made sure it doesn’t involve her leather jackets because she knew how much Nat enjoyed stealing them from Maria. 

After taking a long shower, Natasha walks out of the bathroom already wearing the clothes Maria gave her.

Meanwhile, Maria was there laying on her bed reading a book she’s currently very interested in but also managing to take a few glances at Natasha.

Natasha walks towards the bed with a teasing smile. She helped herself out and plopped right next to Maria on the bed. Her stomach layed down on the bed while she propped her elbows too and rested her face on her hands.

“Just the two of us, tonight?” She said with a playful tone.

“No, Liho’s with us.” Maria gestured Liho’s direction with her eyes while Natasha follows.

A few seconds passed by before Natasha breaks the silence after caressing Liho’s fur.

“So, you like me huh?” 

“Yes, that’s correct. Are you still an oblivious idiot, that you can’t believe it.” Maria closes her book, smirking at Nat.

“Hey, you didn’t know too!” Natasha protested.

“It took you longer.” Maria teased.

“Oh, shut up.” Natasha rolled her eyes before admiring Maria’s face.

“You got any plans tomorrow?” Natasha turns around and lays down on her back.

“Are you asking me on a date, Romanoff? Aw, how sweet of you to take initiative.” Maria chuckled.

“What?! A date? Are you kidding me, Hill? Did you really think I have time to plan our first date. That’s your job.” 

Maria lets out a chuckle of disbelief.

“Then why are you asking if I have plans tomorrow?”

”It’s not for a date, we’re not there yet.” Natasha responds with a hint of humor.

“I don’t know, it’s just a nice day tomorrow I just assumed it wouldn’t be fun if you stayed here in the house all day.” She explained.

“I don’t have plans tomorrow,” 

Natasha didn’t respond for a while, thinking very deeply.

“Good. I have a surprise for you tomorrow.” Maria cringed at the sudden change of mood.

“I hate surprises.” She grumbled.

“Oh, shut up! You hate everything.” Natasha sat up straight and looked at Maria.

“I’m driving you somewhere tomorrow for us to just hang out and talk. You don’t get to know the location-“

“Nat–“

“AND! You don’t get to complain. You have nothing else better to do tomorrow so leave everything to me.” Natasha cuts off Maria before she could protest.

Maria couldn’t help but just agree.

That was all Maria remembered before waking up in the middle of the night and headed to the kitchen for a glass of warm milk. Once she finished drinking, she went back to sleep and woke up and found a note next to her.

_ Good morning you oblivious idiot, meet me at the kitchen?  _

_ ♡ Nat _

A sweet smile immediately appeared on Maria’s face. Excitedly, she got up and washed her face before heading to te kitchen.

“Good morning!” Natasha greeted happily.

“What’s all this?” Maria rubbed her eyes at the sight of delicacies infront of her.

“I’m planning the day remember? Also! No complaints,” Natasha pointed her finger at Maria as a warning.

Maria followed Natasha’s order, no complaints throughout the whole day. Natasha made omelettes for breakfast with waffles.

Before lunchtime, Natasha insisted with driving and would not tell Maria a word of where they were going.

The drive didn’t take long and before Maria knew it, they were already standing infront of a bookstore. 

They entered the bookstore, which also happens to sell drinks and pastries.

Natasha ordered a strawberry smoothie for herself while Maria ordered a mocha latte. 

It just so happens that Natasha’s smoothie was made first so Maria had to wait for her latte. Because of this, Natasha teased Maria by taking a sip of her smoothie and heading towards the bookshelves and Maria couldn’t help but smile.

They spent the afternoon in the bookstore, browsing books, drinking their orders and talking about how they’ve grown to like each other.

Natasha went first and talked about how she found Maria hot, the very first time she saw her. Of course, Maria couldn’t help but tease Natasha for falling first.

“Don’t blame me! You walking around next to Fury looking hot as hell it was infuriating.” Natasha rolled her eyes.

Maria admitted she didn’t notice Natasha at first but sooner or later she grew fond of her and started liking her as well.

“Are you kidding me? You’re so gorgeous and cool even when you’re on a mission, I hated it.” 

“You  _hated_ it?” Natasha emphasized.

“Yes! Because I couldn’t get you off my mind for weeks.” Maria scoffed.

They both realized how ridiculous they sounded, complaining they fell for one another because they found each other attractive and they got annoyed by it. 

“Wait... So you had no idea I liked you? Even with the flirting, that Tony got annoyed at us for?” Maria chuckled before taking a sip of her latte.

Natasha shook her head while smiling.

“Yeah, no idea. Well, since I know you do now, when I look back at it you were not subtle.” She snorted.

“And you weren’t?” Maria raised an eyebrow amusingly.

Both of them enjoyed each other’s company. When they headed back, Maria drove this time. Of course, Natasha didn’t stop her teasing.

“Hold on–“ Maria spoke after she stopped driving to wait for the green light.

“Is that my jacket?!” Maria analyzes the green denim jacket Natasha was wearing.

“That  _is_ my jacket!” Maria raised her voice in annoyance while Natasha tried to hold back her laughter.

“So?” Natasha giggled “It looks great on me, admit it.” Natasha smirked.

“You took my green demin jacket so I wouldn’t notice huh? I’ve seen you looking at my leather jackets, Natasha don’t even try.” Maria shakes her head before continuing to drive.

Maria drove back to her house, since Natasha wanted to stay over again. 

Natasha cooked dinner for the both of them while they talk about each other. This time, Natasha was the first to take a shower before Maria. 

It didn’t bother Maria that they only had one bed and Natasha slept next to her. Yes, it’s intimate but it wasn’t uncomfortable and weird that it bothered her. 

Later, they both got comfortable in the bed; Natasha is helping herself with a glass of milk and watching TV while Maria is going through her phone. 

At one point, Maria stood up to get Liho in her room and in her soft plushy igloo that she bought for Liho.

“Today was... Gorgeous.” Maria chuckled.

“It was a  _dream_.” Natasha paused the TV to stare at Maria.

Maria blinked at the choice of words Natasha used. She got conscious for a second and found it weird that she didn’t expect or even remember Natasha specifically saying that.

“It... was... wasn’t it?” Maria responded being unsure.

“Hey, come here.” Natasha sat herself back up.

With hesitation, she walked closer to Nat and before she even knew it Natasha grabbed her face and kissed her.

_ It felt so real. _

_This didn’t happen._ Maria kept repeating to herself.

Natasha suppresses from the kiss while Maria stared at her dumbfounded.

“This is...”

“That was unexpected, I’m sorry.” Natasha shyly looks down smiling.

“Um...” Maria couldn’t find the words to describe what’s happening.

“Hey, it’s  _fine_ _._ Everything is fine.” Natasha held onto Maria’s face with a reassuring smile.

Disbelief is visible in Maria’s face but that didn’t bother Natasha.

“Let’s just enjoy this moment. Just the two of  _us._ ” She puts her hands over Maria’s shoulder pressing their foreheads together.

“This is a fantasy...  _Our __fantasy._ ” Natasha spoke not moving from their position.

Confusion still won’t fade from Maria’s mind. None of this ever happened.

“I want to be with you and you want to be with me. Here we are.” She added.

“I don’t–”

“Shhh... Just stay here with me. Everything is fine.” Natasha started swaying left to right before pulling Maria to the bed.

“Nat...” Maria seperated their kiss and starts looking around. They were in her room, but she specifically remembers just the both of them watching a Rom-com movie but the TV is turned off. Liho was with them in the bed, cuddled by Natasha yet Liho is sleeping in her igloo.

“Maria, Listen to me...”

Natasha tries to get her attention but she was still bewildered from what was happening. It wasn’t right, she thought.

“Maria...”

“Maria?”

_“Maria!”_

Maria blinks her eyes and turns her head to look at Natasha but she didn’t see her. She was definitely not at her house. Slowly, it sinked into Maria that she was at the  _bookstore._

And at that moment, Maria knew. She remembered what happened in her dream at the day of her first session. She remembered why it was so different to her; why it made her quiver that morning.

“Maria-“

Maria shudders at the sudden hand that touches her shoulder. She turned around and saw Sharon staring at her looking worried.

“Sharon! Um– What are you doing here?” Maria scratches the back of her head.

“I could ask the same- I just happened to stop by for a treat then I saw you.” She gestured to the counter infront of the shop selling pastries and drinks.

“Nothing, I just went here to get a drink after my therapy session. I guess I just drifted off for a while there huh?” Maria lightens up the mood with a laugh.

“Yeah, you seem really distracted. Is everything alright?” 

“I’m fine, Sharon. I was just heading home.” She gave her a reassuring smile that didn’t help but Maria just ignored as she stood up and took her empty mug of cappuccino to return to the counter.

“It was just a weird  _thought_ _,_ that’s all.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for choosing to read my work ! i will be updating this every week with two chapters, i hope you enjoy <3


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